MY DADDY / 5 years
/
April 16
Alright friends,
I’ve come back to the drawing board so many times over the past few years and never could get up the courage to write anything about losing my dad. It’s difficult, to try and accept something or even try to explain something so life changing. especially when you wish that something wasn’t real. How do you even put these feelings into words. Here I am the night before the 5 year anniversary of my sweet daddy’s death just writing whats on my heart. I have been in tears all week. This has been the hardest one so far, and it hasn’t even happened yet. I sit here and think of how on earth it has been 5 years and I just can’t understand how we have had to live so long without him. I dont understand how it can even be fair or real that we’ve had to go this long now without dad. It doesn’t feel like this should be my reality, and it hurts more than anything I have every experienced.. that is way too long. 5 years?! how? I hate it.
If you have lost a parent or someone very close to you, these thoughts and feelings, may resonate with you on a very real level. If that is you, please know first that you are not alone, I know how hard this is, and us kids gotta stick together.
I wish tomorrow wasn’t a day of the year that stuck out on my calendar. I wish it was another April day, waiting for the warmth to come and summer to be here. I wish tomorrow I could hang out with my dad, eat dinner, roast mallows and it’d be just another day with my family.. :/ but unfortunately tomorrow is 5 years from the day I lost my hero.
The past few weeks have been very emotional for me. It’s kinda crazy, the feelings and emotions that arise when this day comes up, you can just feel it coming, I cant even explain it. Spring nears, and there is so much excitement in the air and in my heart for warmth, but I also feel a pain in my chest, in my heart and in my whole body. It’s not a new feeling, but usually I can push it away and not let come forward. Around days like these, Fathers day and his birthday.. it’s impossible to suppress it.
Im gonna start small here on what I share because I could go on for so long about what I have learned and gone through, what it feels like losing dad. I could even just write about him for hours because he is everything to me.
but for now here are a few things I want to pass on to you today…
10 things my daddy used to always say
The loudest voice you hear is your own.
People will forget what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.
Our job is not to judge, our job is to help and love them.
It is easier to ask for forgiveness, than to ask for permission:)
Smart people read.
Kind people win in the end
People liked to be asked, and people like to be thanked.
Someone else’s lack of planning is not your emergency.
Don’t put things down put them away:)
God has blessed me, so I need to help others.
and a few things I learned from these phrases..
“The loudest voice you hear is your own.” I remember distinctly one time when my dad said this to me, he was dropping me off at high school in the morning, I think I was a sophomore. He told me that right before I stepped out of the car. I remember thinking about that as I was walking inside, not totally understanding. I didn’t realize back then how important it is to understand that. How you talk to yourself matters. What you say to yourself matters. Your mind hears it, your body hears it, your heart hears it. Even if you dont think they are. Just remember that just like you as a human, we function our best when we are loved for who we are.. so does your body, mind and heart.
I think numbers 2, 3, 6 and 10 go well together and really are a good insight into who my dad was. He made people feel loved. He helped those around him. and he gave time to those he loved and those around him! Guys I am not kidding about this one, here are a few examples..
my dad was an orthopedic spine surgeon. He had a PA Jordan, I remember finding a sticky note that said the favorite ice cream of both Jordan and his wife.
He took the time to get to know the lady at the hospital that served the food in the doctors lounge, he was her friend, and cared about her and her family, we did them for secret Santa one year. Gave her and her kids a Christmas. I remember doorbell ditching all the gifts on their doorstep. She never found out who gave them that.
Driving down the road near our house he would list on the names of the people and sometimes small facts about them.
He didn’t just meet people, or know them. He really knew them as a person. and did what ever he could to help and make them feel loved. He gave this level of attention to so many people that, from the outside may look like they could do nothing for him. Ultimately he made people feel valued, loved and important to him.
We had a lot of people let us know how grateful they were for him and his kindness towards them. He recognized how important it is to feel loved.
“People liked to be asked, and people like to be thanked”
Something really cool about my dad was that he always gave a real thank you to people. Not just a verbal. He would write a hand written note, and print a picture of whatever he was thanking them for and send it to them. Multiple people have told us how special it was to have actually received a thank you letter from him, they couldn’t believe it.
“Smart people read” this one is really special to me and my family. We read so much growing up. My dad instilled a love for reading in all of us at a very young age and I am so grateful for that, as I am sure my siblings are too. I would read so much, and I couldn’t wait to go tell my dad about the book I had just read. He would make poster boards for the fam in the kitchen, and when we would finish a book we’d go write the book down and highlight out line with what color we were (all of us had a different color haha). Anyways, I love him for that.
He taught me to do what you love. I started in business school haha, did all the accounting, finance, Econ classes, and did really well, my accounting teacher wanted me to be TA for the next semester.. but I didn’t like it. Dad encouraged me to switch to photography and do what I love. I was worried because since I had already done so much of the business school, I felt behind. but I switched, and oh I am so grateful I did :)
and last of all, and the most near to my heart.. my love for cameras. Im just beyond grateful for this love and skill he gave me. Something I do everyday, something that gave me a husband.. my Z, and it’s a forever strong bond between me and dad that I feel everyday. I’m forever grateful.
one last thing I love about my dad is that he made time for his family and things he loved. You never heard him say, I just dont have time. or maybe someday I’ll be able to do that..
He had such a large capacity to live life. His hobbies, like photography and sailing, were things he took time to learn, even if it was 4:45 am. His camera didn’t sit on the shelf for two years untouched. He learned, audited a night class at UVU some nights. taught his daughters. We still have documents he made of pictures he liked from the internet of certain lighting situations, and he would try it out and write down how to do it, and then teach us. haha so cool.
something that went along with this is he made our hobbies his hobbies. In his car one time we found a sticky note, “ round off, back handspring, back tuck, full , double) and Jenni was like what is this? and he said I am learning the things you guys do in cheer! Anyways.. if you knew him you always felt loved.
My daddy taught me to be grateful, work hard, go after what you love, always make TIME for those you love, stay healthy, love God and be myself. There aren’t enough words to explain the legacy he left behind for us. These words only try to explain the man he was. He lived life for his family and for God. I love him with my whole heart. I miss him more than any words could ever express.
I promise you, his greatest joy was his family.
TO MY HERO. MY ANGEL DADDY. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I cannot wait to hug you again someday.
your little girl,
Anna
im the little baby in this one:)
love // anna