Learning about your Grief

something I wrote at 3am on what would’ve been my sweet dads 67th birthday:

Sometimes grief just hits you like a ton of bricks. Knocks you flat on your back. Demands to be felt. thats what happened to me tonight. Just hit hard. I had not been realized what day it was. Idk, time is flying by with all the covid stuff happening and now all of the sudden it’s August 22. My dads birthday. He would’ve been 67 today.. 

I was sitting on my bed and wasn’t having a very good night.. I looked at my phone checked my instagram notifications and I see a “ see what you posted two years ago” thing ya know. And it was a post for my dads bday. I just broke down and cried. All the things I was having a hard time about disappeared and all that mattered was that he was still gone. And that it hurts. And I can’t do anything bout the fact that he isn’t here. That I have to feel this pain. I just want him here so bad. Living life with us. Helping me, giving me advice. Talking about photography with me, and showing him every picture I take, excited to hear his feedback and critiques. Just crazy. 

How am I supposed to understand something so big but so hard to grasp. Grief is felt.. and honestly that’s portably what makes it so difficult to understand and deal with. You can’t see it, there isn’t a way to measure it, there is no cure lol haha there is no right way. Idk its just there, and it hurts, and no matter how hard you push it away, or for however long, it’s always there and needs to be felt. 

Before my dad died, I did it all. I always could, I could fill my plate and get everything done and when it come to hurting, I didn’t let people in on that. Except my mom and my brother jay. thank you heavenly father for family. I would hold it all together then have a break down, where I’d call my mom on the way home and usually cry and say I needed to come home. and she’d be ready on my bed to chat when I got home.

So when my dad passed, I held it together. I actually think back to this and I am shook at how well I held it together at first. I was at Team USA training in Orlando. I didn’t I understood the reality of what had happened. I was so used to being positive and saying that it was all going to be okay, that thats what I did. I was in shock. All the things. I tried to push it away all summer, but by the end of summer I was losing it. I had some break downs, and my bother Jason helped me a lot, through September and then that was the best General conference ever. OCT 2015 .. a few of my favorite quotes from that weekend are;

I didn’t do well in school that winter semester. And honestly that was when I first started to learn about grief and how much it effects you without even realizing it. I tried to continue on with how I normally handled life and things. But what I didn’t realize was carrying a very large load of pain and grief on my shoulders, while pretending it wasn’t there. The capacity I had before to take on a lot of things was smaller because of the extra load I was carrying. I struggled juggling, school, cheerleading, family, college life, and accepting a new reality.

I learned that you gotta feel. It’s so important.

It’s how you learn about yourself, it’s how you learn about what you’re feeling, it’s how you look AT your feelings instead of through them. Meaning you confront them, know them, grow stronger and take a step forward through grief. instead of acting like it’s all good and you can do away with them, or pretend they aren’t there ya know, and ultimately take your frustration out on the people around you.

Let things in, feel them, say them to your self and out loud, write them down. Gosh its so important to feel your feelings. Being sad is okay, being mad is okay, hurting is okay, being confused it okay. 

I talked about that summer, and how hard it was I remember finding a quote, I don’t know what it was or where I found it, but i remember that ultimate message was that it’s okay to be sad, its okay to cry etc. it was a new feeling to me because I was so good at always smiling and saying, “Im great!” and not letting anyone in ya know. Now I thrive on real conversation and really hearing someones thoughts, hopes and dreams, and struggles.

I really do think that when you’ve experience pain and hurt, you are blessed with an ability to be more grateful and loving, and you appreciate the small things so much more. When you have felt hurt, and pain, you feel love and happiness so much greater too.

I miss my dad. I miss him so much. 5 years later and I think it hurts more every single year if that is somehow possible. I’m so sorry for anyone dealing with grief, loss, suffering, pain, and all the things that come with losing someone, I’m so sorry, you’re not alone, you are stronger than you think, you have a beautiful soul that has been opened up to a love that you would have never experienced before. Harness that, learn about your grief so that you can grow stronger, love harder, see with more clear eyes and have a higher perspective on life, people and love than you ever though imaginable.

I need to go to bed. I am so tired and it is 3am.. dang it. Haha I have been trying so hard to go to bed early. So that I can wake up earlier. Tonight has just been hard.